Friday Photo: Holding On

Posted on August 18, 2012 by

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my children growing up and away from us.

When they were born, I never wanted to let them go.  Sliding their precious bodies into another’s arms was reserved only for moments desperate for solitude.  Sleeping side by side, we monitored their every movement, every breath.

When my son started kindergarten, I was excited.  He was so ready to formalize his education – he loved learning, loved socializing, and eagerly anticipated learning Spanish like his big sister had.  He smiled all the way to school, and babbled about his adventures all the way home.

When my daughter started middle school, I was elated.  Finally, she would be on my campus, and all the regrets I had about not volunteering in her classes or driving on field trips might be soothed by knowing I could see her every day.  She immersed herself in friendships, studying, and never missed a dance.

When my son left elementary school, I was saddened.  Eleven years spent between the two suddenly evaporated without even being able to take one final bike ride to pick him up from school on the last day.  He was so ready to move on with his education – he loved his friends, loved socializing, and couldn’t wait to ride his bike with his friends all the way to the middle school.

When my daughter started high school, I was nervous.  This is when it all comes down to the end, the grades, the transcripts, the test scores and college admissions.  She would get her driver’s license, go to the prom, and before I knew it, leave home.

The clock in my heart began counting down.

When my son starts middle school this year, I am still half-way holding on.  I can’t quite let go, can’t pass him off to what’s next even though I know it will happen despite me. I squeeze my eyes shut and hope for it to happen painlessly, for it to slip through my awareness without having to feel the drop of my heart, the skip of my breath.

I’ve been thinking about them both lately.  I’ve been hoping that the days will stretch on endlessly, the mothering will just shape-shift into some kind of form that I can still cling to even when they’re not here.  I’m not ready to let them go, not eager for that kind of solitude.  I’ve been trying to cast every moment in bronze, and not let them slip through my fingers.

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Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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Comments: 18

  • Jennifer Wolfe

    August 30, 2012

    Now that’s a great attitude, Jeanne! Yet I can’t imagine my daughter having a serious boyfriend yet, let along having children. Yikes!

    Reply
  • Jeanne Medina

    August 27, 2012

    Every time I start to get panicky about this, I remind myself I’m only going to get a short break (if that), and it will be time for grandchildren! Woohoo!

    Reply
  • Army of Moms

    August 23, 2012

    I have been feeling this way too. One in 8th grade and one in 5th. Where did the time go?

    Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 24, 2012

      I hope the time went to the right places, and that I’ve done the right things for my kids…

      Reply
  • Becky Jane

    August 22, 2012

    I’ve sent 8 of my kids out into the world and have 3 left at home. It never gets easy. Surprisingly, these last 3 are the hardest to let go of. S is in 11th grade, driving, and hanging out with her friends more than me…she used to be my best friend and we did everything together. I love to see my children spread their wings, but it makes this mama heart lonely. HUGS

    Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 24, 2012

      Wow Becky – I could learn a lot from you!I guess no matter how many times you go through this with your kids, each one breaks your heart just a little bit more.

      Reply
  • Carla Karam

    August 21, 2012

    Jennifer… all I can say is that with your love and strength you have taught your children and have prepared them well… if you have done this… well we as mommies must trust ourselves and trust that they will do the best they can… the rest is up to them and God’s plans. Grace, peace and blessings, Carla

    Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 21, 2012

      Thanks, Carla. I like to think I’ve prepared them…kind of like our final grade in a way, I guess? I do know they will do their best, they will make mistakes, but that’s how they will learn.

      Reply
  • Courtney G

    August 21, 2012

    It does go fast. Just got back from #4’s University graduation, and I still call them “kids”, even though they are all far from it. All of those years don’t really die in your mind.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 21, 2012

      I like your thinking, Courtney – the years will never ‘die’ in my mind; I hold on to the sweet memories and hope for more!

      Reply
  • Susan Liberatore

    August 21, 2012

    It is so sad isn’t it? My MIL is always telling me that the time spent with the children while they are young is the best time of a woman’s life. I’m trying to appreciate every moment!
    And my oldest starts high school in the fall. I swear I brought her home from the hospital yesterday??

    Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 21, 2012

      It is sad – but also exciting to see them becoming the humans you always hoped they would be.

      Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 21, 2012

      Thanks, Pamela. It’s from the Norton Simon Museum in Pasadena, CA – have you been there?

      Reply
  • mail4rosey

    August 20, 2012

    Ah, looks like a lot of us are in the same boat. I posted a link about the exact same thing today because I took my son out of state last weekend to go to college. It is a bittersweet thing, and they do leave home so very fast! I loved your write-up.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 21, 2012

      Rosey, thank you! I can’t imagine what taking her to college will feel like…and out of state? That’s hard!

      Reply
  • Michael Ann

    August 19, 2012

    Oh Jennifer, this got me all teary! I’ve been doing this same exact thing. I guess it’s because school is starting next week and it just lends itself to these kinds of thoughts. Well, and my oldest is starting high school so it is the “last stretch” before he leaves home. I feel very sad. You wrote it so perfectly here.

    Reply
    • Jennifer Wolfe

      August 21, 2012

      Michael Ann, I’m sorry I made you cry :(. This time of year is truly bittersweet – good luck with the first few days!

      Reply
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