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Forever Afterwards

Posted on April 10, 2013 by

“Only one thing for it, I said to myself, thinking of you, and I slipped out of the wrecked ship of my body into the black ocean. I swam upwards towards the daylight with all my strength. Not a mile deep after all. Because I was suddenly in a white room, brightly gleaming, smelling pungently of antiseptic. I heard voices and my name.”

– From Afterwards, by Rosamund Lupton

“Jennifer. Stop. Look at me. Look at me. You must stop pushing right now.”

My brain and body scrambled to focus on her blue eyes. Something wasn’t right. This wasn’t happening the way the book said it would. What is she saying?

I had watched all the movies, attended the birthing class, packed my bag, bought the diapers, and laid out your little white sleeper, recently laundered in Burt’s Bees baby soap, ready to bring you home.

“Stop,” her voice repeated.  “This is important.” My midwife’s normally calm demeanor was punctuated with urgency.

I couldn’t pry my eyes open. The pain was overwhelming; no time for medication, this was happening old-school style. My breath came in gasps, my fear in waves.

I searched for my husband, his hands on my legs. Finally he came into view, his blue eyes holding it all in.

“Her cord. It’s wrapped around her neck. You need to stop so I can flip her out. You must not push-do you hear me? “ I snapped into focus. I inhaled and for a moment, granted her request.

My body and brain were operating with broken connections, like a static dead space. I gave up control out of sheer and utter terror that my baby would be born dead.

This wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen.

No one says that first babies come early. Tales of endless labor, walks around the hospital and enduring hours and hours of waiting for her to come were all I’d been told. Nothing-nothing at all had prepared me for these 30 minutes of laying in the hospital bed, feeling her force her way into the world.

The seconds felt like hours. I naively tried to regain control; not realizing that from this point on, you would shape every thought, every action, and every moment of my life.

“Jennifer, when I say so, you need to push harder than ever before. Go deep inside. Growl like a mama bear, and do it with all your power. Do you understand?”

Obediently, I complied.

One.  Two.  Three.

But wait – this isn’t how it is supposed to be. I haven’t even gotten into the birthing chair. The nursery-the laundry hasn’t been put away into your little dresser. We haven’t even decided on your name yet… I don’t know where you are, or what to do. The only thing I do know is that I’m not ready for this. Am I really going to be somebody’s mom?

But there you were, somersaulting into the world, slightly violet, but breathing.  And alive.

And absolutely perfect.

The struggle was over. We made it. Nothing in life could ever be harder than that, I imagined. I held you to my chest and breathed you in, feeling your warm stickiness. I clasped your tiny fingers.

“What is it?” I heard my mother hesitantly, yet pleadingly, call from behind the closed door.

“It’s a girl,” I panted in reply.

And forever afterwards, life as I knew it ended and began at precisely the same instant.

This post was inspired by the novel Afterwards by Rosamund Lupton. After witnessing her children’s school set ablaze, Grace attempts to find the arson as her teenage daughter lies in a coma in Lupton’s suspense thriller. Join From Left to Write on April 11 as we discuss Afterwards. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Afterwards-by-Rosamund-Lupton-194x300

Have you read Afterwards, or other books by Rosamund Lupton? I absolutely loved it, even though it made me cry.

If you’d like to know more about the author, visit her websiteFacebook page, or follow her on Twitter.

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Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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Not Saying A Word Today

Posted on February 27, 2013 by

UCD arboretum bloom

Today I’m flying low and I’m
not saying a word
I’m letting all the voodoos of ambition sleep.

The world goes on as it must,
the bees in the garden rumbling a little,
the fish leaping, the gnats getting eaten.
And so forth.

But I’m taking the day off.
Quiet as a feather.
I hardly move though really I’m traveling
a terrific distance.

Stillness. One of the doors
into the temple.

~ Mary Oliver

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Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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Featured Post: Working With Your Child’s Teacher

Posted on February 19, 2013 by

Jennifer Wolfe global education classroom

Are you a parent of school age children? Do you wonder how to approach your child’s teacher to work with them?

Are you a teacher, wishing you could give parents some advice on how to create a positive relationship?

Or perhaps your children have finished school, and you have some words of wisdom to share?

I’m both a parent and a teacher, and I really believe in the proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child.”  I’ve seen the magic that can happen when schools and families take a team approach to education-it’s transformative!

It Takes a Village

So when Voiceboks, the online community for parents, asked me to write a featured post, I thought this would be a perfect idea – tips for parents who want to work with schools in a productive way.

Please click over to read my original featured article on Voiceboks – “Creating a Productive Working Relationship With Your Child’s Teacher”.  I’d love to hear strategies you use to make school a “win-win-win” situation for everyone – parents, students and teachers.

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Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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Garden Greetings

Posted on April 25, 2012 by

I rolled over and padded downstairs

Anticipating rich, creamy nectar

In my chosen avocado green mug.
“Good morning,” he called
His familiar smile crinkly from sleep.
“Not really,” I grunted, and
Retreated into myself.Seeking solace, I slithered into the garden.
“Good morning,” she mouthed
Her icy blue petals delicate and tall.
“Not really,” I sighed, and
Stepped further.

“Smile,” she breathed
 Her cheerful words bright and welcoming.
“Not yet,” I hissed, and
Kept going.
“Come closer,” she mouthed
Her vivid scent intoxicating and deep.
I paused
Closed my eyes
Breathed deeply
Relented
And murmured,
“Good morning.”
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Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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Friday Photo – Harvest

Posted on October 22, 2011 by

Cameron in a Nicaraguan produce marketSometimes as I’m moving around in my day, an image gets stuck in my head that I can’t shake. Sometimes it conjures up a memory, a feeling, or provides an impulse to do something. Often, though, I just see something that I want to capture in my mind for no particular reason-it just speaks to me. I’d like to offer these images up for ‘thought contributions’-as a way to generate a community of ideas together.

At this time of year, it’s all about the harvest.  Crops are ripe, summer gardens are being sowed and then tilled under in preparation for winter planting.  But my garden this year – not so good.  I tallied less than a dozen tomatoes, and four measley peppers.  And this wasn’t due to lack of effort or care-I tilled, composted, fertilized, watered, planted and tended my crops from last April til now.  I guess this just wasn’t the year.  Mother Nature didn’t cooperate – our cool northern California spring wasn’t the right temperature to set fruit.  Our usual one hundred degree plus summer heat never really materialized, leaving valley farmers shaking their heads and hoping for the best.  Me?  I keep my plants in, hoping that those green orbs will somehow ripen if I just have faith.

So today’s Friday Photo reminded me of what an abundant life I have.  No matter what happens to my own garden, I will have enough.  I have resources to get what I need.  It might not be directly from my own hands, but it will be fresh, healthy, available and enough to sustain me and my family.  In today’s photo my son marvels at the bounty we found in Ciudad Dario, Nicaragua.  Gorgeous produce can be had there for mere pennies-but to many Nicaraguans, pennies are like diamonds.  Produce is grown on your own land, and a luxury to purchase.  There are no ‘bulk buys’ or prepackaged warehouse size amounts.  People simply buy what they can, only what they need.

I enter this harvest season with a heart full of gratitude, and a faith that next year, my harvest will be that of my own making. What hopes do you have for the next year?  Will you have an abundant harvest?

 

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Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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