I keep thinking about how I should sit and write this all down
about how there must be a poem or some sort of way to
explain,
express,
or at least remember what I’m feeling right now
these moments that are slipping away
But they don’t come
I’m still frozen in place
pen poised, heart full,
but still
the words get stuck in my mind
Every morning I wake early
pour my coffee, pick up my favorite pen
open my journal
and stare at the page
immobilized
the birds outside my window attempt to rouse me with their song
the moments thunder through my mind
but the words get stuck
It’s all in there, I know
the feelings and memories and hopes
but still, I just stare
maybe afraid that if I write it down
it really is real
you’re really growing up
graduating
and beginning the next chapter of your life
without us
Sometimes you wake up right in the middle of it
the staring momentarily interrupted as you pad down the hall
your hair tousled from sleep
you’re quiet, and mumble ‘I’m tired”
we hug and I kiss your forehead
as you quietly pour coffee
and head back to your room
Sometimes just that is enough
to make me weep
to remind me of what I’ll miss
your spirit
your eyes, cerulean against your freckled skin
but, still, I stare
the words stuck in my heart
I’ve even tried writing at night
convinced the melody of that country music song will drift down the hall
and trigger something
help me make this moment something tangible
determined that the words are there
waiting
But still, I just stare at the page
hopeless
helpless
afraid
that it really is real
Sometimes you walk in mid-thought
the pen poised, the words on the brink of explosion
you’re breathless from track practice
your smile spreading across your face
you’re happy
you tell me about your day
you show me something on Instagram
and hiccup
and head down to your room
Sometimes I tell myself this will be the day
the words for this indescribable, exhilarating, devastating feeling will come
even if the tears fall alongside the page
even if it reminds me that yes,
this moment, like so many others
is real
and fleeting
and powerful
I tell myself this will be the day
I will make it happen
I will create words to look back on
to mark this moment, to revive all the moments
you’ve been here
you’ve been my baby
you’ve been my girl
I’ll mark this moment forever, I think
so that next year, when the quiet surrounds me
and your bed stays neatly made
I’ll hear your hiccup
and smile.
Comments: 4
My "Do Something That Makes You Happy Today" List - mamawolfe
January 11, 2016[…] list in my journal. It’s quite easy, and often it’s the same thing every day: 1. find time to read and write 2. spend time with C 3. take a walk and notice something 4. make something delicious to eat for my […]
What Happens When You Focus On Your Words? - mamawolfe
April 12, 2015[…] emotions and thoughts and stories. We can squeeze out language in the most excruciating fashion, hovering for days to capture that precise moment stuck in our minds and begging release into the […]
Sara // Simply Happenstance
June 7, 2014Oh Jennifer, this is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your candid heart with the rest of us. I fear this day with my four growing older… this next chapter of them moving away and going off to college. I still have a while yet, but I know the time I do have with them is fleeting. So thankful to be a mama… as clearly you are, too! They’re all such blessings! xo
Sara // Simply Happenstance recently posted…Weekend Lovelies
Jennifer Wolfe
June 8, 2014Blessings is so true, Sara. I love all the minutes we spend together, and I love who my children are turning out to be. All the hard work is so worth it! ~Jennifer ps-thanks for sharing the post on Weekend Lovelies!