There she goes again. That chatter. That voice in my head that directs me like a traffic cop. That sound of my non-existent older sister or nagging mother-in-law that won’t stop offering advice about what to do, how to act, where to be, and when to sleep. She just won’t shut up. From the moment I rise to the moment I rest she is there, nestling on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. Do. More. Better.
And yes, she is a figment of my imagination. I’m not experiencing any psychological disorder or seeing things that aren’t real. But she feels real, and she makes me feel things I don’t always want to think about. Or shouldn’t really think about. She’s my monkey mind, and she just won’t shut up. And she whispers…Be. More. Faster.
Thoughts spin around my brain when I’m alone and when no children are needing me, no husband is nearby, and for that one split second it appears no outside demands are asking to suck me dry. But that’s where Miss Monkey fits in. She reminds me of the to do list, the to don’t list, and everything in between. She moves me from the kitchen to the laundry room to the bedrooms and back. She sits me down at the computer to write, then nudges me up to move the clothes to the dryer-oh wait-don’t forget to change the air filter and water the plants. The dog needs a walk-gotta do that. Maybe I can stop at the bank…ACK! The tomato sauce is boiling over and now sticks solid on the bottom of the pan. Another tick on the to do list gets added. Back to the computer-DING! The dryer is finished and as I walk to the laundry room she reminds me that the packages need mailing and the garbage cans are still on the curb. Then grade the papers. Kids have homework. Practice. Lessons. Would that telephone please ring at a more convenient time; I don’t need to talk to a telemarketer EVER again. The dog barks for his walk. And she yells…Do. More. Now.
Seriously? I’m so young! I’m just a mom, a wife, a worker, a writer, a….woman. Why won’t Miss Monkey just shut up and let me think? I could get it done if she. just. would. stop. that. incessant. chatter. that. reminds. me. I. am. human? And she screams…Do. It. NOW!
She makes me think. She makes me think I should trust her, not my gut. Wait-who is she? How dare she leave me thinking like this. Making me feel upset, and vulnerable, and sometimes very alone. She makes me forget where I started, and where I’m going. She spins me around until I f.a.l.l.
But I’m not really, alone, am I? You hear her too…don’t you?
Two Kinds of Quiet - mamawolfeDecember 20, 2014
[…] you like a deserted path, and you have no idea which direction to go. The kind of quiet when your monkey mind settles and creative juices start to flow. The kind of quiet when you can snuggle back into bed, […]Reply
mamawolfeSeptember 16, 2011
Hi Debbie~ Thank you for your reassurance…sometimes it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one with a monkey in my mind!Reply
DebbieSeptember 16, 2011
You have put into words what every over worked mom feels and I so enjoyed reading it. It’s so nice to know you aren’t alone, or crazy 🙂
Debbie- new followerReply
LeilaSeptember 9, 2011
I only hear her at night. That’s the only time when a child or husband isn’t calling out for me! LOL
New follower from Wednesday’s blog hop! gotomommy.blogspot.comReply
mamawolfeSeptember 9, 2011
Insomnia-now flicking her is a GREAT idea!
Mrs. Mom-if they went bowling together, they would just boss each other around!
MA- coffee sounds like an awesome idea!
Brenda-why didn’t I think to use ‘wench’ in my post! LOVE it! Yep-she’s goin’ down!Reply
brendaSeptember 8, 2011
I never called that wench in my head a monkey voice, more colorful expressions come to mind. Well spoken. Yes, I have one of those voices, but I am glad to say since I’ve declared aloud to the world I am a writer I am pretty good at stomping the old monkey down. It takes work to keep her locked in the closet and out of my way. I figured I waited too long to do this wriitng thing. Something’s gotta give, right?Reply
Michael AnnSeptember 7, 2011
Loved this! You put into words so well what that voice is like. Sounds like all us moms have one. I think they should all just go back where they came from…oh….where would that be I wonder?
Awesome post, Jennifer. Let’s go out to coffee soon so our monkey minds can go do something together and leave us alone for awhile.
mrsmomx6September 7, 2011
Oh yeah…got me one of those too. I think yours and mine should go bowling and leave us alone. Or at least long enough for me to take a shower without having guilt.
Hopping over from VBReply
Life,Twins,DramaQueenSeptember 7, 2011
New follower from the blog hop please come follow me back 🙂Reply
insomniaSeptember 7, 2011
I don’t hear her anymore. I flicked her off my shoulder. It’s easier that way.Reply
I totally get where you’re coming from though.
mamawolfeSeptember 7, 2011
Please let me know if you’re successful in quieting her down!
Hi Momfever- yes, I love your idea about sending her far, far away! Where should they go?
Hi Dee – I love your idea of sinking into my senses. I will certainly try that if she ever comes around again!
Hi Katya – thanks for the solidarity!Reply
Katya kateSeptember 7, 2011
Oh yeah I definitely hear this little Miss Monkey voice too! And it always happen when I am in the middle of doing something important~ like writing my paper or report that has been beating deadlines. Oh yes, she’s a nagger, very annoying, and always tempt me to further procrastinate. Don’t worry, I am with you, you are not alone… Wish you luck in dealing with her 🙂
From vb members to remember,Reply
DeeSeptember 7, 2011
I suspect that most of us have these voices that judge, caution, insist within us. Voices we’ve heard from childhood of parent and teacher. And even our own voice reminding us of our vision of our ideal self.
What to do with them? What do I do with them–I who have actually, for ten long years, seen the hallucinations that spoke to me?
I let myself sink down deep into the moment I am in and let my senses take over. I feel. I see. I smell. I hear. I taste. Whatever is within that moment is within me. And always within that moment is the freedom to simply be.
MomfeverSeptember 7, 2011
Yep, I know her too! Perhaps we should send the both of them off on a trip, far, faaar away!
I’m sure they’ll get along, because they’re both real critical and great naggers.
Got here from Voiceboks!
JinniaSeptember 7, 2011
You’re definitely not alone. Funny I should read this now, been hearing similar things Sunday and Tuesday. Such a good description! Now…to get her to be quiet.Reply