Wednesday Morning Musing On Mockingbirds, Motherhood, and Time

Posted on May 28, 2014 by Jennifer Wolfe

“There are two kinds of people in the world, observers and non-observers…”

I could sit here all day, window cracked, listening to the mockingbirds chatter to each other from across the treetops. It’s silent in our house for the moment – late start morning, and everyone’s still tucked into their beds. Safe. Relaxed. Quiet.

The sprinklers just finished misting the garden. Is that a baby hawk I hear? Oh, the coffee tastes like perfection today. Real cream makes all the difference, doesn’t it?

Cola’s wandering up and down the hall, tags jingling as his nails click on the hardwood floors. A dog barks outside-no response inside. Good. He barks too much, anyways. He’s busy surveying the scene – 16 pounds of fierce guard dog protection.

Doves coo. Why can’t I see you? Something is keeping you away from my garden; is anyone else awake to hear your gentle musings? The garbage truck breaks the silence with a piercing beep-beep-beep. Scooping up my garden discards; I really should be spending more time deadheading. Time. Please, stop for a minute-or forever.

It’s going to be 100 degrees today. Should I water the pots? The tender basil, just planted, needs attention. Better bring an ice chest to the track meet tonight. Grapes. Strawberries. Whatever my girl needs.

Yep, that’s definitely a baby hawk. But it couldn’t be in our tree – not nearly tall enough. Morning doves-who are you calling to? It’s going to be a busy day. Train whistle in the distance. Muted cacophany outside my window. Almost time to break this reverie and head into the real world. 8:00 meetings suck. Wednesday morning musings are so much more productive.

Pause to sip coffee. What if we could pause time right now?

Airplane overhead. That’s right – she’ll be on one soon. Gone for most of the summer,then gone for freshman year. Shiver. A car door opens and closes next door. Engine jumps to life. Wonder where college kids drive to this early in the morning? Maybe they’re driving home…I don’t want to go there. Not even close to ready to think about #reallifeofacollegestudent.

Baby hawk again. Stop to sip from my Steinbeck mug. I love Steinbeck. Those were great field trips we used to take. It’s been awhile since we went to Salinas and Monterey. I’m so glad we have our last mommy/daughter trip last weekend. It’ll be awhile before we’re alone like that again – #collegesucksformoms. Really, please don’t go. Stay here. Thanks for taking two AP tests last week, now don’t go. I was just kidding about turning your room into a craft room. I won’t let Cam bust out the wall to double his space. You don’t have room for all your ski gear in a dorm room anyways – #skierproblems. Where will you keep all your Spandex? It’s cold in Salt Lake City, you know.

Morning doves again. I hear you. Why can’t I just stay here all day? You’re both tucked in. Safe. Relaxed. Quiet. Mockingbird, stop. You’re making it hard to leave. It’s just Wednesday. It’s not time to celebrate.

Wait.

It is time. It keeps ticking. Can’t stop it, even though I said I would. But I can feel it.

Wednesday morning musings. Close the notebook.

One. more. sip. Stop. Savor. Breathe.

Oh…why does life have to change?

My Best Life, April 2014: Endings and Beginnings (jenniferwolfe.net)
Finding My Muse: Searching In Tahoe Snow and Pine Trees (jenniferwolfe.net)

Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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Don’t Ever Let Go Of The Thread

Posted on May 23, 2014 by Jennifer Wolfe

There’s a thread you follow. It goes among things that change. But it doesn’t change. People wonder about what you are pursuing. You have to explain about the thread. But it is hard for others to see. While you hold it you can’t get lost. Tragedies happen; people get hurt or die; and you suffer and get old. Nothing you do can stop time’s unfolding. You don’t ever let go of the thread. ~ William Stafford

Spool of thread (Photo credit: Jano De Cesare)

Time is unfolding at warp speed around here. Normal end of the school year movement, the bustle of ‘wrapping up’ as each day flips into the next…I try to hang on to what is here, right now, what is ‘normal’ and be as present as I can, but the thread is slippery, and silken, and so hard for me to see, let alone grasp. My breath comes in spurts and suddenly I notice that I’m holding it, I exhale, and tell myself to breathe. Deeply. To let it sink in, to let it unfold, to let it….be. To be here, with what is, and know that what will be will be, and the thread, so fine, nearly ethereal, will hold us together. Don’t ever let go of the thread.

Jennifer Wolfe

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Every Day Is Mother’s Day For Me

Posted on May 11, 2014 by Jennifer Wolfe

I don’t need a day to remind me of why I love being a mother. I don’t need a corporate sponsored, scheduled celebration time. I don’t need an arbitrary day of obligation to prove to me you’re glad I birthed you. What I do need is a quiet morning, the wind blowing through the trees outside my window, the chocolate brown sheets pulled softly against my skin, my favorite mug filled with warm French roast, and my mind silent enough to drift back to all the moments that changed my life because of you – the moments that turned me sideways, pitched me forward, and made me realize that being a mother has irrevocably shifted my spirit into another dimension.

From the first moments I felt you wiggle inside me, from your luminous eyes gazing up at me from my chest, from your tiny hands grasping for mine, and your ethereal, miniature body nestled in slumber next to mine, I knew instantly that every day would be Mother’s Day.

In those first few years I learned, in the words of Anne Lamott, “….that children fill the existential hollowness many people feel; that when we have children, we know they will need us, and maybe love us, but we don’t have a clue how hard it is going to be.” I experienced the joy and despair of motherhood as I watched you learn to climb the stairs, ride a bike, rip down a ski hill and fly over a vault. I realized that Mother’s Day was celebrated as much in the moments of ‘no’ as the moments of ‘yes’, and that, as the sage Maya Angelou says, “Please – be their supporters, be their protectors and let them know that. That doesn’t mean that you indulge and condone mismanagement and bad action – but you can say, “I’m on your side. Now, this is not acceptable. And the reason it’s not acceptable is that you might get hurt in the management of the interaction. But I’m on your side – I want you to do well. I love you. That doesn’t mean I indulge you – I have sentimentality and it means I really love you and I want you to live a good life.” Oh, yes, my darlings, I really love you, and every day I am on your side.

And today, as I wait for your teenage bodies to wake, I fantasize about the Mother’s Day moments yet to come; the day I watch you accept your diploma, the day I hear the news you found your first job, the day you shout the words “We’re getting married” or “We’re having a baby” – those are the days I dream of, the days that bring motherhood full circle and explodes my happiness into tiny, glittering shards as you step into the ecstasy that has become my every day, my Mother’s Day.

Jennifer Wolfe

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Finding The Teacher-Mom Balance

Posted on April 30, 2014 by Jennifer Wolfe

“You wander from room to room

Hunting for the diamond necklace

That is already around your neck.” -Rumi

from Thrive, by Arianna Huffington

I’ve always been a working mom. I guess I should qualify that – I’ve always been a work-outside-the-home mom. Since I was in my thirties before I had both children, I spent several years teaching before they rocked my world…and to be honest, it was a struggle to figure out how I could balance it all.

I loved being a teacher. In my twenties, pre-kids, I poured everything I had into my middle school English classes. It wasn’t that I necessarily felt that teaching was my ‘calling’-I just wanted to do the best job I could. It’s my personality. I devoured teaching-I couldn’t get enough training. I had my eye on reaching the ‘top’ of my profession as quickly as possible. I volunteered to be a ‘team leader’ of teachers, I worked on district committees, and pretty soon I was selected as the department leader and mentor teacher. I was right where I wanted to be.

And then my daughter was born. Naively, I thought I could jump right back in. I thought that after a few months, the title of ‘teacher-mom’ would slip alongside my other accolades, and life would keep chugging along. Of course, that didn’t happen. Balancing a commute, breast-feeding, and separation anxiety created more angst than I could imagine. Life needed to shift, and as life often has a way of doing, I would up exactly where I needed to be.

It wasn’t easy to get there, and residing in that place between ‘teacher’ and ‘mother’ was a constant state of unsteadiness for many years. I felt like I wasn’t doing the best job at either; on days when the teaching went well, I’d have to rush home to assume child care so my husband could go to work. At night, the babies were demanding when it was time to grade papers, and each morning I would wake, bleary eyed and exhausted, wondering how this was ever going to work. The joy was evaporating from both ‘jobs’. Nothing felt right, neither felt fulfilling. The fulcrum teetered back and forth as I searched for the elusive equilibrium I knew I needed.

I wish I could say it was easy, or that there was some sort of formula I read about that, like breadcrumbs along a trail, I could gather along the way to the end of the rainbow. The truth is, it was nothing like that. And sadly, it involved barrels of tears, volumes of journals, and book after parenting book to discover how I could thrive as ‘teacher-mom’. I’m not sure I would ever want to repeat that process, but I can say that the search for the perfect balance led to the discovery of my self.

I learned that it all goes by so quickly…those words of my grandmother certainly ring true as I’m watching my baby grow up and out of the safety of our space. I learned that boundaries are vital for both teacher and mom; a life in balance is truly a life well lived. I learned that everything I ever wanted really is right within my grasp-all I needed to do was make a choice. Actually, it was quite simple: I chose a life adorned with the sparkle of my children first-always.

And that has made all the difference.

This post was inspired byThrive: The Third Metric to Redefining Success and Creating a Life of Well-Being, Wisdom, and Wonder by Arianna Huffington who encourages everyone to sleep their way to the top. Join From Left to Write on May 1 we discuss Thrive. As a member, I received a copy of the book for review purposes.

Jennifer Wolfe

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My Best Life, April 2014: Endings and Beginnings

Posted on April 28, 2014 by Jennifer Wolfe

April…a flash of a month, a month of endings and beginnings, of rain, snow, moving home and moving forward. April left me full of memories, moments flashing back too fast to catch my breath. Even my sister begged me to stop posting all those tender snatches of childhood that made our eyes fill with tears and our hearts fill with love. April was a month of decisions for the future, a few turning points and some joyous celebrations, all wrapped up into a big, gooey mush pot of emotion. It kind of wore me out, actually.

My Best April:

Best Quotes:

I kept Twitter busy in April! I love Twitter for the educators I connect with, for the access to news and so many points of view, but lately I’ve just loved reading quotes. Trying to sort through the endings and beginnings in my life right now, somehow reading and posting the #quoteoftheday has helped smooth the jagged edges. I’d love to tweet with you-follow me here!

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin

Maya Angelou (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“You are not your bank account, or your ambitiousness. You’re not the cold clay lump with a big belly you leave behind when you die. You’re not your collection of walking personality disorders. You are spirit, you are love.” ~Anne Lamott

“For bringing us together and keeping us laughing and having fun” – Richard O”Brien Memorial Award

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” Theodor Seuss Geisel

“Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you cant practice any other virtue consistently.” – Maya Angelou

Best Poem:

April was National Poetry Month, and some of my favorite teaching moments came with my students sharing poetry that was meaningful to them, and then presenting ‘snippets’ of poems in our very first Poetry Slam. I was so thrilled that several students chose to share Mary Oliver poetry – her gentle words so often reflect exactly what I cannot express myself. This month, I was dazzled by “Live A Life of Amazement” – if you haven’t read it before, it will dazzle you, too.

Best Blog Reads:

My dear friend Michelle has dedicated her career to helping children-not as a teacher anymore, although that is how we met twenty-something years ago. Michelle shares her compassionate and caring spirit with children who are victims of abuse. A gifted writer of prose and poetry, Michelle shares her beautiful words of comfort and hope in her blog, Metamorphosis: Musings on Healing and Transformation. Take a moment to read her post “Going on a Treasure Hunt” where she explores the metaphor of life as a journey.

This month has been all about the college decision in my house, and Frank Bruni’s article “Our Crazy College Crossroads” came at just the right time to help me remind all the high school seniors hanging around my house that their worth is NOT determined by their acceptance letters, and their ‘dashed hopes’ attached to a rejection letter should, in reality, be seen as an opening for the possibilities yet to come.

Best Photos:

He’s home! Never a dull moment when C is in the house!

Spring is here, finally! The end of ski season brings the beginning of a new, brilliant burst of color and life. My garden is exploding!

I just love this photo my sister took…it reminds me of my girl’s courage and fearlessness. Just look at the size of that pole!

My girl has been an athlete for most of her life, winning awards and achieving her goals. But this month, the most memorable moment for us came when she won the Richard O’Brien Memorial Award, for her ability to inspire her ski team, to bring them together and to have fun. This award represents everything we ever hoped she would learn from athletics-and from life.

Best Moments:

Endings and beginnings. My best moments last month were bittersweet; the ending of winter term at Sugar Bowl Academy brought my boy home. The ending of ski season brought great results and excitement for the beginning of next season, and the end of racing for one of mine. Beginnings of the last quarter of the school year, beginnings of spring erupting in my garden, and beginnings of searching for college dreams.

L and C ski race at Alpine Meadows

April, a month of endings and beginnings. And as Meister Eckhart so eloquently taught us, “…suddenly you know: It’s time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.”

Wishing you great possibilities and the magic of beginnings in May – and as always, thank you for supporting mamawolfe. I’d love to connect with you on Instagram and Facebook, too!

Jennifer Wolfe

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