She’s Nineteen, And She Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

Something happened last year. Amidst the swirl of SAT testing, college acceptance letters, pole vaulting and ski racing, something huge changed in our house.

You turned 19, and you don’t live here anymore.

At first it was like peeling layers of an onion. I was so distracted by your brother’s broken leg, our flooded kitchen and the start of the school year that at first, it just seemed like you were off at camp, or spending way too much time at track practice. The house buzzed with construction workers, and your brother kept me occupied with his full leg cast and wheelchair antics.

A few weeks into the school year it started to get quiet- too quiet. And I began to realize the quietness wasn’t going away – you were. I realized that after eighteen years of watching over you, teaching you, and knowing the details of your everyday life, that you don’t live here anymore.ย 

That hit me hard. Freshman year was easier to dismiss – it was a novelty. You were trying it out, and somehow I believed that things would get back to normal. Someday.

me and my girl

Now it’s year two. I tried to adjust to being your mom from a distance; I’m afraid I haven’t mastered it quite yet.This long distance relationship isn’t exactly what I imagined all those years I was mothering you, years I spent teaching you how to make french toast, or load the washing machine and old your clothes so they don’t wrinkle.

This year, we are into our second round; the new normal of you not living here is punctuated with holidays coming and going like the time change. As the calendar turned November, I began sprucing up your room, knowing that you’ll come back, crawl into your big black iron bed and pull the soft white duvet up for a few nights. I left pink lilies on your bedside table.

All month I told you to get ready to be spoiled – to send me special requests and remind me if you still take your coffee with cream and like to go for long walks right after breakfast.

And when your face rounded the corner at the airport, you had that familiar smile that told me it’s ok to hug you close, but to remember we were in public. To not make too big of a scene, but that you were happy to see me, too. Your blue eyes met mine, and I had to touch your face, just to make sure you were real.

Thank you for indulging me this Thanksgiving. I keep thinking that one day, you’ll understand the exquisite pain and pleasure of being a mom, and all my emotional antics will make sense. I hope that one day, when that thrill hits your heart when you see your baby living their life full of happiness and joy, you’ll understand why I have such trouble letting you go. When you see your child blossom into an adult, when you watch all the lessons you tried to teach unfold in front of you, I hope you understand why I tear up just thinking about you leaving again. It’s these ordinary moments, watching you hang the lights on the Christmas tree, or sip a latte at an outdoor cafe, when I realize how extraordinary you really have become. It’s these ordinary moments that I crave, that I miss, that I want to press into my memory like tiny handprints in cement.

So I have twelve more hours with you today, twelve more chances to soak you in. I’ll help you pack and make sure you’re well fed, chattering away about December plans and encourage you to work hard during finals. So much to do to try to make life as normal as I can before you’re back on the plane – because you’re nineteen, this is our ‘new’ normal, and you don’t live here anymore.

 

 

 

Jennifer Wolfe

Jennifer Wolfe, a writer-teacher-mom, is dedicated to finding the extraordinary in the ordinary moments of life by thinking deeply, loving fiercely, and teaching audaciously. Jennifer is a Google Certified Educator, Hyperdoc fanatic, and a voracious reader. Read her stories on her blog, mamawolfe, and grab free copies of her teaching and parenting resources.

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14 thoughts on “She’s Nineteen, And She Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

  1. Wendy says:

    You are killing with this post. My daughter is a college sophomore this year, turned 19 a few weeks ago — the first birthday we haven’t been together. I could relate to every word. Well, all but the brother’s broken leg. ๐Ÿ™‚ And…you made me cry. Is it Christmas break yet??
    Wendy recently posted…My Worst Gift Giving Mistakes + A FREE Gift Giving PlannerMy Profile

    1. Jennifer Wolfe says:

      Oh Wendy, I had to suffer through that first birthday away last spring, and it was hard! I’m so touched that my story connected with you; motherhood is a universal experience, isn’t it? Counting down the days until Christmas here, too!

  2. What a very beautiful and poignant love letter to your adult child.

    1. Jennifer Wolfe says:

      Ericka, thank you for the kind words. It is a love letter-you’ve got it right!

  3. This brought me to tears, thinking of my beautiful Aspen and being grateful she is not quite 12 yet! Where does time go? How will I face it when she leaves home? I moved out and went to University too and I know it was so hard for my parents especially my mum. Now I am the mum and I spent this year grieving my youngest child, my son going off to school for the first time. What you wrote here to your daughter is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with #Fridayreflections
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Whatโ€™s on your Bucket List? #Friday ReflectionsMy Profile

    1. Jennifer Wolfe says:

      It is a curious thing, this parenting journey. I don’t know how to say you will be ready to face it – somehow, it just happens. It helps me knowing that my girl is happy and healthy and in a place she loves ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks so much for your comment!

  4. that was lovely and such a true reflection of what it’s like when your child (especially your daughter) flies the nest to start her own journey. I still have those moments when our children come back to visit and I just bask in them being home and relaxed and we’re a family again…….until they head back to the city and to their own lives.
    Leanne@crestingthehill recently posted…where I’m fromMy Profile

    1. Jennifer Wolfe says:

      Leanne, you’ve got it exactly! “…bask in them being home and relaxed and we’re a family again” is precisely how I feel! Looking forward to Christmas break when we can do it again. Thanks so much for your kind comment.

  5. Janine says:

    Gosh it must be hard, but continue to treasure those moments xxx

    1. Jennifer Wolfe says:

      Thank you, Janine. It’s hard – but also lovely watching her grow up. I treasure every single moment, to be sure!

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